Comments after miscarriage

My husband and I heard A LOT of comments following our miscarriages. Most of them were people apologizing for our losses, sharing their stories with us, and some heartfelt comments.
But we did come across some unnecessary comments and responses.

Some people will say that they know how you feel.... realy? Do they? Unless they have gone through the exact same thing, the exact same loss, can they really "know how we feel"? Some women surprised me with their stories. They acted like their miscarriage was no big deal, and hey it happens. Which put me in a horrible place. Why was I taking it so hard? Why were my husband and I so devastated... not just after the first one but the second one too. But then I realized that some of those women did not care that they were pregnant in the first place. Sort of like if you did not want something so badly, why would you miss it when it was gone?

On the flip side, the women who miscarried and really were changed by it, really did know how we felt. We found support in their stories. We were very much surprised by how many women, we knew, that suffered such a tragic loss. Miscarriage seems to be a silent disease that no one talks about... that is until it comes up somehow.

I have to be the one that says it............ abortion is NOT a miscarriage. Miscarriage is not a choice like abortion is. I can almost guarantee 99.9% of women who miscarry did not have a choice the outcome. 100% of women who abort... well chose that outcome. I am not saying that abortion is a bad choice... there are reasons to abort...... but to abort a healthy pregnancy, is in no way a miscarriage. It breaks my heart when a women says she knows how you feel, when she chose the outcome.

Then comes the negative comments. I will never forget those comments. "you were too skinny when you got pregnant", "you should have done this or that", "You did not wait long enough for your body to heal after the last one", and the saddest one to me: "you wanted it this baby too badly." These comments are normally said by people who have never gone through such a horrific loss. Most times, the people who are saying these are trying to help, but they really only make it worse. Also, people who try to compare a loss of a family member (not of a baby) to a miscarriage often have the feeling that their loss was greater. It seems to be the mind set that they knew their loved one longer and you were only pregnant for a "short" time. This is very hard to take in. No loss should be compared to another. A loss is a loss, there is no other way to look at it.

"Life goes on." "It has been long enough..... get over it." "Why are you still sad?" "It was not even a baby yet." "You weren't even pregnant long." You know all the negative comments. These will bring back the pain faster and stronger.. no matter how long ago your loss was. It has been over a year since our first loss, and about 10 months since our second. I can tell you, I still think of them both every day. I still talk about our babies to my husband, I sometimes ask if he thinks that they knew that we loved them. I still ask God to love them the way we could not. We will never get to hold Lima Bean or Baby Heart.... and some people just can not understand the depth of that pain.

I can offer this..... Find people you can lean on. I found some people who are amazing! These women have suffered multiple losses like us, and they can honestly say that they understand our pain. I lean 100% on my husband as he is my rock. He is the strongest person I know (other than our baby Joslyn who is such a fighter, she is not letting go) and I know I could not have gotten through our miscarriages without him. But having women who have the same story with a positive outcome..... helped us both see the light at the end of a very long tunnel. You may be accused of being closed in, while you lean on your husband, partner, or one single person..... please don't let that get you down. One person may be all you need or all you can handle. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Please know that there is nothing wrong with anyway you handle your loss/losses. But it does help to find someone who has a similar story.


Jacky