There is new research that states caffeine can heighten a risk for miscarriage. Being underweight can cause the same outcome. For couples who have suffered such a horrific loss, a reason is all we want to find. If you are like my husband and I, these two "new" risks do not involve us. We do not drink coffee or caffeinated sodas, nor was I underweight or overweight during any of our pregnancies. But to some women this research can be their answer. Having a reason or an answer can make the difference between blaming yourself and understanding nothing could have been done. For us, throwing ourselves into our own research helped us to understand that their are so many causes for miscarriages, some unexplained and some explained. We have suffered both.
For those of you keeping tabs.... we are 30 weeks and 3 days along with our sticky bean, Joslyn. We are all doing very well...... finally! I have to say that we even did a ton of research in the beginning of this pregnancy, as we still are! Sometimes research is all we can do!
Jacky
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
"Baby Heart" Our second loss
In February of 2007, I took a pregnancy test...... Once again THEY were positive! We were thrown right back into HURRAY mode. I called my doctor right away and they had me do blood tests. Sadly from the beginning my numbers were not right. My HCG was doubling like it should but my Progesterone levels were at 8 when they needed to be atleast at 15. I was put on Prometrium, a progesterone supplement. We were told it would be okay and that the med would raise my levels to where they should be. We went in for our 5 week and 5 day u/s.....We had a heart beat! We named him/her Baby Heart. To us that was the most important thing. However what we know now...... The heart beat was only 84 beats per minute. To us that was perfect..... maybe the heart had just started, and being 5 1/2 weeks along that was GREAT! But one week later, while I was at work, I began to bleed. I knew right away.I thought that this pregnancy would be perfect. I had baby dreams, I was so positive! I knew that Lima Bean would look over us and protect the little one inside of me. But it seemed God had other plans. When I began to bleed we went right on for an U/S. Baby Heart still had a heart beat, but it was only at 90 bpm. We were told that it was not looking good, but not to give up hope. The doctors were great, and told me to go on bed rest.
We went right home, I was so scared of the pain that I just knew was coming. I told my husband that I was so scared of the pain. I stayed on the couch for 2 days straight, with my feet up. Not once did I have severe pain, no contractions, only blood. So I was beginning to think that maybe this one would still be okay. This time was so different than the last one. I was still upbeat about it.
When we went back to the doctor, 2 days after I began to bleed, we either expected there to still be a heart beat or worse.... have to have another D&C. We walked into the same U/S room, with the same u/s tech as all the other times...... ( I have to say we were sick of her and that room.... nothing against them but man we just wanted good news from her and that dang room.)
To our complete surprise..... there was nothing left. Baby Heart was completely gone. The only thing that was left was a few clots. Nothing left. Once again I had an empty feeling.
What did we do? Why were we having to go through this? Another loss 5 months after our first one. Some people will say that "you tried again too soon" or "you want this so bad that it is not happening." We did everything right... again! What was wrong with my body that I could not keep a baby. My husband thought the same thing about himself. I felt like I was a failure to him. He does so much for me.... and all I wanted to do was give him a baby. The one thing that I could do for him... I failed twice. I was convinced to find something wrong with me, so we could fix it!
My doctor considered me a high risk case, even though we "only" miscarried twice and they normally consider you a high
risk case after 3. We did test after test.. all the tests that insurance would cover. Every single one came back normal. My husband and I then did our own research......via internet. I had a stack of "causes" to no avail.I then found this website called Baby Loss
and I found some amazing women in the forums.
Their stories helped me through our losses, the support I found on there was so amazing. I would tell my husband all the time about the women on there and it helped us heal.
I bought 2 books online called "About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope
" by Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D and "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby
" by Jessica Berger Gross. I found myself lost in these books for hours.We also made a memory garden in our back yard, on Mother's Day 2007. Lima Bean and Baby Heart each have their own stone with their name on it. It was and is a place we can go to and daze and remember.
It was a hard time to get past: the unknown, the losses, the pain, the broken dreams.
We still think about our lost angel babies... I think about them every day. I can speak about them and not cry every time. My husband and I do not bury their memories, we speak about them a lot. I talk to them both and I pray that they know how much they were and are loved.
You see we are parents... we have been since September 2006. We are parents of 2 angels in heaven.
Please do not feel like you have to wash away what you had. I hold our babies close to my heart, as does my husband. Never let go of them.... it will get easier. I used to base my good days and my bad days on a song I would listen to.. over and over again. If I cried then it was a "bad" day. If I managed to sing the whole song without a tear.... then it was a "good" day. My song is "I'm movin' on" by Rascal Flatts. I still, to this day, listen to that song and cry..... but I sing it to our babies, who sing it along with me.
Jacky
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Our first loss
When my husband and I got married, I was 24 and he was 26. We had been together for 4 1/2 years before we got married. We wanted to wait until we got married to start our family.
We had read that it takes some couples 1 year to conceive, so to our surprise after only 2 months of trying (3 months to the day after we got married) I was pregnant!!!! We were so excited that we began planning right away. I went on prenatal vitamins right away, drank tons of water every day, stopped picking up our fur-baby (even though he weighed 15 lbs at the time) not to mention a ton of other things! We even bought pregnancy books so we can read week by week updates! The size of our little baby, what it looked like each week, the major changes that was happening in any given week. We even nicknamed our first little one "Lima Bean" as that was the shape he/she was at one point. Yes we were proud from the first positive sign on the home preg test!
Everything seemed to be going very well. I was even able to get in to see my new OB when I was 5 weeks along. Then one day, 3 weeks later, I began to notice light brown spotting when I went to the bathroom. Then I noticed that I had went most of the day without running to the bathroom. I told my husband about it and he tried to reassure me that I was fine and so was our baby. That night I just layed on the couch hold my tummy, trying to protect our little one.
The next morning I called my doc. They told me to come in since I was only one week away from my U/S appointment and they would take a look. My husband and I rushed into the doc's office waiting... waiting... waiting. Finally they called me in. I think the woman doing the U/S was as surprised as us when we found our "Lima Bean" just laying there in my belly looking perfect as can be.... but without a heart beat. That is when our world came crashing down. My husband asked her "is that our baby?" but she did not respond right away. Finally she said "yes, but there is no heart beat. I am sorry."
I have never lost it the way I did in that room. All I could do was look at that picture of our poor baby, not moving but still looking so perfect. Another woman was called in to verify... We were suppose to be 8 weeks and 2 days, but "Lima Bean" was only 7 weeks and 2 days. We had what is called a "Missed Miscarriage."
I can remember everything from that day. From the stillness in that u/s room, to the office they put us in to "discuss our options", from the tears in my husbands eyes while trying not to let them fall so he could be strong for me.
We were sent home to see if my body would let go of our baby on its own. But 2 days of intense pain and bleeding...... it had not. I went through one night of severe contractions only to find out the next day that nothing had happened. We had no choice but to have a D&C. So three days after we found out we had lost our first baby, I had surgery to remove her/him.
No one can really say that they understand what we were going through unless they went through it themselves. People were supportive while we were going through the loss..... but after it was done........ people went on with their lives and thought we should too.
It is okay to be lost, it is okay to feel empty, it is okay to mourn. We had a baby from the first BFP. No one really understood that. My husband lost his first baby, had to watch me go through a mountainous amount of pain knowing he could not stop it. Everyone knew we were pregnant and now we had to tell them that we were no longer. "No longer" is hard to describe.
People can say "it was not a baby... it was not born." A baby is a baby from conception. Lima Bean did have a heart beat at one time.............. he/she was just not strong enough to hold on.
We decided that we would try again, as soon as possible. As we are the type of people that if we don't get it right the first time.......... we will try and try again!
That is just what we did and 4 months later, I was taking another pregnancy test.
Jacky
We had read that it takes some couples 1 year to conceive, so to our surprise after only 2 months of trying (3 months to the day after we got married) I was pregnant!!!! We were so excited that we began planning right away. I went on prenatal vitamins right away, drank tons of water every day, stopped picking up our fur-baby (even though he weighed 15 lbs at the time) not to mention a ton of other things! We even bought pregnancy books so we can read week by week updates! The size of our little baby, what it looked like each week, the major changes that was happening in any given week. We even nicknamed our first little one "Lima Bean" as that was the shape he/she was at one point. Yes we were proud from the first positive sign on the home preg test!
Everything seemed to be going very well. I was even able to get in to see my new OB when I was 5 weeks along. Then one day, 3 weeks later, I began to notice light brown spotting when I went to the bathroom. Then I noticed that I had went most of the day without running to the bathroom. I told my husband about it and he tried to reassure me that I was fine and so was our baby. That night I just layed on the couch hold my tummy, trying to protect our little one.
The next morning I called my doc. They told me to come in since I was only one week away from my U/S appointment and they would take a look. My husband and I rushed into the doc's office waiting... waiting... waiting. Finally they called me in. I think the woman doing the U/S was as surprised as us when we found our "Lima Bean" just laying there in my belly looking perfect as can be.... but without a heart beat. That is when our world came crashing down. My husband asked her "is that our baby?" but she did not respond right away. Finally she said "yes, but there is no heart beat. I am sorry."
I have never lost it the way I did in that room. All I could do was look at that picture of our poor baby, not moving but still looking so perfect. Another woman was called in to verify... We were suppose to be 8 weeks and 2 days, but "Lima Bean" was only 7 weeks and 2 days. We had what is called a "Missed Miscarriage."
I can remember everything from that day. From the stillness in that u/s room, to the office they put us in to "discuss our options", from the tears in my husbands eyes while trying not to let them fall so he could be strong for me.
We were sent home to see if my body would let go of our baby on its own. But 2 days of intense pain and bleeding...... it had not. I went through one night of severe contractions only to find out the next day that nothing had happened. We had no choice but to have a D&C. So three days after we found out we had lost our first baby, I had surgery to remove her/him.
No one can really say that they understand what we were going through unless they went through it themselves. People were supportive while we were going through the loss..... but after it was done........ people went on with their lives and thought we should too.
It is okay to be lost, it is okay to feel empty, it is okay to mourn. We had a baby from the first BFP. No one really understood that. My husband lost his first baby, had to watch me go through a mountainous amount of pain knowing he could not stop it. Everyone knew we were pregnant and now we had to tell them that we were no longer. "No longer" is hard to describe.
People can say "it was not a baby... it was not born." A baby is a baby from conception. Lima Bean did have a heart beat at one time.............. he/she was just not strong enough to hold on.
We decided that we would try again, as soon as possible. As we are the type of people that if we don't get it right the first time.......... we will try and try again!
That is just what we did and 4 months later, I was taking another pregnancy test.
Jacky
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Our Story
My husband and I got married in June of 2006, 3 months later we got a BFP (big fat positive home pregnancy test) one month later our baby had no heart beat. 4 months later we got another BFP and once again we found out one month later that we were losing our second baby. With 2 losses so close together, we tried so hard to find ways to cope with the pain and hurt. We were shocked to find almost NOTHING on the internet about miscarriages and how to deal. As little information that I found for me.... there was even less information to help my husband. I was able to find a few people and resources with similar stories to help us get to the healing stage. But it was hard! My hope with this blog is to share our story and to help one person/couple in knowing that they are not alone.
I am happy to say that we are now almost 7 months pregnant with a wonderful baby girl. I will blog about her, our pregnancy (past and recent), and continue after she is born. I found that talking to people who had a similar story to us and had a wonderful full filing outcome, let us know that there was a light at the end of the dark tunnel.
Jacky
I am happy to say that we are now almost 7 months pregnant with a wonderful baby girl. I will blog about her, our pregnancy (past and recent), and continue after she is born. I found that talking to people who had a similar story to us and had a wonderful full filing outcome, let us know that there was a light at the end of the dark tunnel.
Jacky
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