our update

It has been a while since I have posted. But there is a good reason. We are pregnant!

I am 8 weeks today... but this preg has not been without issues. From getting 2 positive tests at home, to the lab making an error on my blood work saying I was not preg, to having a blood clot and light spotting 2 days after the home tests, to having to stop nursing Joslyn due to me being high risk, to suffering from a breast infection from cold turkey nursing, to not hearing the baby's heart beat at 6 weeks... but seeing it, then hearing it one week later (138 beats per minute!)..... to severe morning sickness that is non stop.

Yes it has been ONE MONTH ago today we found out we were preg with "Lover Bean." So far everything is going well (besides what I mentioned above) I am on the progesterone supplement which makes me severely ill and Zofran to help make me feel better. (which is NOT a miracle pill!) We are very excited and happy about the new "Lover Bean" but if you know us...... we can not fully relax. We know better than most what can happen. But I am happy to say that I have past the time we lost our second baby.... and past the time our first baby died (but did not know until 2 weeks later) That makes me feel a bit better about Lover Bean.... we just pray that Lover Bean is as strong as Joslyn was while in my belly.

Jacky

"Baby Heart" Our second loss

In February of 2007, I took a pregnancy test...... Once again THEY were positive! We were thrown right back into HURRAY mode. I called my doctor right away and they had me do blood tests. Sadly from the beginning my numbers were not right. My HCG was doubling like it should but my Progesterone levels were at 8 when they needed to be atleast at 15. I was put on Prometrium, a progesterone supplement. We were told it would be okay and that the med would raise my levels to where they should be. We went in for our 5 week and 5 day u/s.....We had a heart beat! We named him/her Baby Heart. To us that was the most important thing. However what we know now...... The heart beat was only 84 beats per minute. To us that was perfect..... maybe the heart had just started, and being 5 1/2 weeks along that was GREAT! But one week later, while I was at work, I began to bleed. I knew right away.

I thought that this pregnancy would be perfect. I had baby dreams, I was so positive! I knew that Lima Bean would look over us and protect the little one inside of me. But it seemed God had other plans. When I began to bleed we went right on for an U/S. Baby Heart still had a heart beat, but it was only at 90 bpm. We were told that it was not looking good, but not to give up hope. The doctors were great, and told me to go on bed rest.

We went right home, I was so scared of the pain that I just knew was coming. I told my husband that I was so scared of the pain. I stayed on the couch for 2 days straight, with my feet up. Not once did I have severe pain, no contractions, only blood. So I was beginning to think that maybe this one would still be okay. This time was so different than the last one. I was still upbeat about it.

When we went back to the doctor, 2 days after I began to bleed, we either expected there to still be a heart beat or worse.... have to have another D&C. We walked into the same U/S room, with the same u/s tech as all the other times...... ( I have to say we were sick of her and that room.... nothing against them but man we just wanted good news from her and that dang room.)
To our complete surprise..... there was nothing left. Baby Heart was completely gone. The only thing that was left was a few clots. Nothing left. Once again I had an empty feeling.

What did we do? Why were we having to go through this? Another loss 5 months after our first one. Some people will say that "you tried again too soon" or "you want this so bad that it is not happening." We did everything right... again! What was wrong with my body that I could not keep a baby. My husband thought the same thing about himself. I felt like I was a failure to him. He does so much for me.... and all I wanted to do was give him a baby. The one thing that I could do for him... I failed twice. I was convinced to find something wrong with me, so we could fix it!

My doctor considered me a high risk case, even though we "only" miscarried twice and they normally consider you a high risk case after 3. We did test after test.. all the tests that insurance would cover. Every single one came back normal. My husband and I then did our own research......via internet. I had a stack of "causes" to no avail.

I then found this website called Baby Loss
and I found some amazing women in the forums.
Their stories helped me through our losses, the support I found on there was so amazing. I would tell my husband all the time about the women on there and it helped us heal.

I bought 2 books online called "About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope" by Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D and "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby" by Jessica Berger Gross. I found myself lost in these books for hours.

We also made a memory garden in our back yard, on Mother's Day 2007. Lima Bean and Baby Heart each have their own stone with their name on it. It was and is a place we can go to and daze and remember.

It was a hard time to get past: the unknown, the losses, the pain, the broken dreams.

We still think about our lost angel babies... I think about them every day. I can speak about them and not cry every time. My husband and I do not bury their memories, we speak about them a lot. I talk to them both and I pray that they know how much they were and are loved.
You see we are parents... we have been since September 2006. We are parents of 2 angels in heaven.

Please do not feel like you have to wash away what you had. I hold our babies close to my heart, as does my husband. Never let go of them.... it will get easier. I used to base my good days and my bad days on a song I would listen to.. over and over again. If I cried then it was a "bad" day. If I managed to sing the whole song without a tear.... then it was a "good" day. My song is "I'm movin' on" by Rascal Flatts. I still, to this day, listen to that song and cry..... but I sing it to our babies, who sing it along with me.


Jacky