There is new research that states caffeine can heighten a risk for miscarriage. Being underweight can cause the same outcome. For couples who have suffered such a horrific loss, a reason is all we want to find. If you are like my husband and I, these two "new" risks do not involve us. We do not drink coffee or caffeinated sodas, nor was I underweight or overweight during any of our pregnancies. But to some women this research can be their answer. Having a reason or an answer can make the difference between blaming yourself and understanding nothing could have been done. For us, throwing ourselves into our own research helped us to understand that their are so many causes for miscarriages, some unexplained and some explained. We have suffered both.
For those of you keeping tabs.... we are 30 weeks and 3 days along with our sticky bean, Joslyn. We are all doing very well...... finally! I have to say that we even did a ton of research in the beginning of this pregnancy, as we still are! Sometimes research is all we can do!
Jacky
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
29 weeks
We had our doctor visit today, and all went so well! Joslyn is measuring 29 weeks and her heart beat was up in the high 140-150 range. She is moving alot... I timed 15 kicks in 20 minutes this morning. So I was excited. We go back in 2 weeks.... to see our doctor. We are trying to get as much ready as we can for her arrival. Tonight we began to pack all of our bags to take to the hospital and we are getting our plans in order for Mackinac. We have two different people who are ready to take him while we are in the hospital. The next step is to bring those people over to our house so Mackinac can get to know them better. After all, he is our fur-baby! He is important too.
I have to say the BEST piece of equipment we have purchased is the Hi Bebe Fetal Doppler.
My husband purchased it while we were 10 weeks pregnant, with Joslyn, to put our minds at ease. I have to say.... it has done the trick! Before we used it we checked with my doctor to see if it was safe, happily it is basically the same doppler they use so he said it was perfectly okay. We first used it while I was 10 weeks and we could not really pick up her heart beat that well. They say you can pick up a heart beat as early as 10 weeks... but it was very hard! We had to find the exact spot she was in.... then if she moved..... good luck finding her again. It was not until we were in our second trimester did we feel that it was well worth the money! In the beginning, we used it once a week or twice a week... depending on if we were nervous! We even used it over this past weekend...... it has always been very accurate. Not only does it give you the heart beats per minute.... but it also allows you to hear the heart beat. We picked up my heart beat ALL the time in the beginning.... but the bigger she got the easier it became to find hers first.
Due to our past history with pregnancies, it was so nice to have this doppler at home, so we could take it out when ever my emotions were a mess.... it gave us many nights of peaceful rest knowing she was still doing okay! I would highly recommend buying or renting a Fetal Doppler at any stage of a pregnancy, whether or not you have suffered a loss or not. Everyone can use some peace of mind!
Jacky
I have to say the BEST piece of equipment we have purchased is the Hi Bebe Fetal Doppler.
My husband purchased it while we were 10 weeks pregnant, with Joslyn, to put our minds at ease. I have to say.... it has done the trick! Before we used it we checked with my doctor to see if it was safe, happily it is basically the same doppler they use so he said it was perfectly okay. We first used it while I was 10 weeks and we could not really pick up her heart beat that well. They say you can pick up a heart beat as early as 10 weeks... but it was very hard! We had to find the exact spot she was in.... then if she moved..... good luck finding her again. It was not until we were in our second trimester did we feel that it was well worth the money! In the beginning, we used it once a week or twice a week... depending on if we were nervous! We even used it over this past weekend...... it has always been very accurate. Not only does it give you the heart beats per minute.... but it also allows you to hear the heart beat. We picked up my heart beat ALL the time in the beginning.... but the bigger she got the easier it became to find hers first. Due to our past history with pregnancies, it was so nice to have this doppler at home, so we could take it out when ever my emotions were a mess.... it gave us many nights of peaceful rest knowing she was still doing okay! I would highly recommend buying or renting a Fetal Doppler at any stage of a pregnancy, whether or not you have suffered a loss or not. Everyone can use some peace of mind!
Jacky
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Comments after miscarriage
My husband and I heard A LOT of comments following our miscarriages. Most of them were people apologizing for our losses, sharing their stories with us, and some heartfelt comments.
But we did come across some unnecessary comments and responses.
Some people will say that they know how you feel.... realy? Do they? Unless they have gone through the exact same thing, the exact same loss, can they really "know how we feel"? Some women surprised me with their stories. They acted like their miscarriage was no big deal, and hey it happens. Which put me in a horrible place. Why was I taking it so hard? Why were my husband and I so devastated... not just after the first one but the second one too. But then I realized that some of those women did not care that they were pregnant in the first place. Sort of like if you did not want something so badly, why would you miss it when it was gone?
On the flip side, the women who miscarried and really were changed by it, really did know how we felt. We found support in their stories. We were very much surprised by how many women, we knew, that suffered such a tragic loss. Miscarriage seems to be a silent disease that no one talks about... that is until it comes up somehow.
I have to be the one that says it............ abortion is NOT a miscarriage. Miscarriage is not a choice like abortion is. I can almost guarantee 99.9% of women who miscarry did not have a choice the outcome. 100% of women who abort... well chose that outcome. I am not saying that abortion is a bad choice... there are reasons to abort...... but to abort a healthy pregnancy, is in no way a miscarriage. It breaks my heart when a women says she knows how you feel, when she chose the outcome.
Then comes the negative comments. I will never forget those comments. "you were too skinny when you got pregnant", "you should have done this or that", "You did not wait long enough for your body to heal after the last one", and the saddest one to me: "you wanted it this baby too badly." These comments are normally said by people who have never gone through such a horrific loss. Most times, the people who are saying these are trying to help, but they really only make it worse. Also, people who try to compare a loss of a family member (not of a baby) to a miscarriage often have the feeling that their loss was greater. It seems to be the mind set that they knew their loved one longer and you were only pregnant for a "short" time. This is very hard to take in. No loss should be compared to another. A loss is a loss, there is no other way to look at it.
"Life goes on." "It has been long enough..... get over it." "Why are you still sad?" "It was not even a baby yet." "You weren't even pregnant long." You know all the negative comments. These will bring back the pain faster and stronger.. no matter how long ago your loss was. It has been over a year since our first loss, and about 10 months since our second. I can tell you, I still think of them both every day. I still talk about our babies to my husband, I sometimes ask if he thinks that they knew that we loved them. I still ask God to love them the way we could not. We will never get to hold Lima Bean or Baby Heart.... and some people just can not understand the depth of that pain.
I can offer this..... Find people you can lean on. I found some people who are amazing! These women have suffered multiple losses like us, and they can honestly say that they understand our pain. I lean 100% on my husband as he is my rock. He is the strongest person I know (other than our baby Joslyn who is such a fighter, she is not letting go) and I know I could not have gotten through our miscarriages without him. But having women who have the same story with a positive outcome..... helped us both see the light at the end of a very long tunnel. You may be accused of being closed in, while you lean on your husband, partner, or one single person..... please don't let that get you down. One person may be all you need or all you can handle. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Please know that there is nothing wrong with anyway you handle your loss/losses. But it does help to find someone who has a similar story.
Jacky
But we did come across some unnecessary comments and responses.
Some people will say that they know how you feel.... realy? Do they? Unless they have gone through the exact same thing, the exact same loss, can they really "know how we feel"? Some women surprised me with their stories. They acted like their miscarriage was no big deal, and hey it happens. Which put me in a horrible place. Why was I taking it so hard? Why were my husband and I so devastated... not just after the first one but the second one too. But then I realized that some of those women did not care that they were pregnant in the first place. Sort of like if you did not want something so badly, why would you miss it when it was gone?
On the flip side, the women who miscarried and really were changed by it, really did know how we felt. We found support in their stories. We were very much surprised by how many women, we knew, that suffered such a tragic loss. Miscarriage seems to be a silent disease that no one talks about... that is until it comes up somehow.
I have to be the one that says it............ abortion is NOT a miscarriage. Miscarriage is not a choice like abortion is. I can almost guarantee 99.9% of women who miscarry did not have a choice the outcome. 100% of women who abort... well chose that outcome. I am not saying that abortion is a bad choice... there are reasons to abort...... but to abort a healthy pregnancy, is in no way a miscarriage. It breaks my heart when a women says she knows how you feel, when she chose the outcome.
Then comes the negative comments. I will never forget those comments. "you were too skinny when you got pregnant", "you should have done this or that", "You did not wait long enough for your body to heal after the last one", and the saddest one to me: "you wanted it this baby too badly." These comments are normally said by people who have never gone through such a horrific loss. Most times, the people who are saying these are trying to help, but they really only make it worse. Also, people who try to compare a loss of a family member (not of a baby) to a miscarriage often have the feeling that their loss was greater. It seems to be the mind set that they knew their loved one longer and you were only pregnant for a "short" time. This is very hard to take in. No loss should be compared to another. A loss is a loss, there is no other way to look at it.
"Life goes on." "It has been long enough..... get over it." "Why are you still sad?" "It was not even a baby yet." "You weren't even pregnant long." You know all the negative comments. These will bring back the pain faster and stronger.. no matter how long ago your loss was. It has been over a year since our first loss, and about 10 months since our second. I can tell you, I still think of them both every day. I still talk about our babies to my husband, I sometimes ask if he thinks that they knew that we loved them. I still ask God to love them the way we could not. We will never get to hold Lima Bean or Baby Heart.... and some people just can not understand the depth of that pain.
I can offer this..... Find people you can lean on. I found some people who are amazing! These women have suffered multiple losses like us, and they can honestly say that they understand our pain. I lean 100% on my husband as he is my rock. He is the strongest person I know (other than our baby Joslyn who is such a fighter, she is not letting go) and I know I could not have gotten through our miscarriages without him. But having women who have the same story with a positive outcome..... helped us both see the light at the end of a very long tunnel. You may be accused of being closed in, while you lean on your husband, partner, or one single person..... please don't let that get you down. One person may be all you need or all you can handle. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Please know that there is nothing wrong with anyway you handle your loss/losses. But it does help to find someone who has a similar story.
Jacky
Saturday, January 19, 2008
First Braxton Hicks?
Last night I believe I felt my first Braxton Hicks contraction. I was checking my email and got up from the computer and felt a very sharp pain on my right lower side. It lasted only for about 10 seconds and it did stop when I was finally able to sit back down on the couch. My husband was keeping his eye on me for a bit, and when it did not happen again, we knew it was a Braxton Hicks contraction.
I use this website A LOT and I also have their pregnancy book, The BabyCenter Essential Guide to Pregnancy and Birth: Expert Advice and Real-World Wisdom from the Top Pregnancy and Parenting Resource
http://www.babycenter.com/0_braxton-hicks-contractions_156.bc#articlesection0
They have a lot of really good information on there!
Today we have 79 days until our due date! All we want to do is hold our miracle baby and kiss her and love on her. We are very much ready for her to come, but we want her to come on her time... when she is ready.
Jacky
I use this website A LOT and I also have their pregnancy book, The BabyCenter Essential Guide to Pregnancy and Birth: Expert Advice and Real-World Wisdom from the Top Pregnancy and Parenting Resource
http://www.babycenter.com/0_braxton-hicks-contractions_156.bc#articlesection0They have a lot of really good information on there!
Today we have 79 days until our due date! All we want to do is hold our miracle baby and kiss her and love on her. We are very much ready for her to come, but we want her to come on her time... when she is ready.
Jacky
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
This pregnancy....
Had been so different! I am not one to throw up.... but let me tell you... for the first 14 weeks I was so sick! I threw up for no reason.... just when ever she felt the need to make me get sick! I have always hated throwing up.. but for some reason everytime I got sick.... I was so happy and thankful! That way I knew that she was alright....I would tell her every day that I wanted her to make me sick.. if that is what she wanted! I never thought I would love throwing up ever. The Prometrium did a number on my emotions! But it was so worth it! It also made me feel horribly sick, but that was worth it too.
Two days ago we turned into our 28 week of pregnancy, which means we are in our third trimester! I can not explain how much of a relief it is after going through everything we have. Joslyn is kicking, moving, and all that good stuff every day.
I started to count her movements when I was 26 weeks, I can count to 10 in 11-15 mins on most days.. one day was 30 mins. But that is still good since they say you should get to 10 kicks within 2 hours!
I plan on letting Joslyn know about her siblings, when she is older.
After all she is not our only child. I want her to know that she has 2
special angels looking over her, as they did from the very beginning.
I have a box full of everything we got from our other 2 pregnancies
and I plan on sharing that with her one day.
I talk to her every morning while I am in the shower and we do our
prayer. I have said the same thing since I found out we were pregnant.
I ask God to bless her and kep her safe and healthy. I thank him for
each heart beat, each kick, and each day. I even thanked him each time I threw up in the first 14 weeks!
I tell Joslyn every moring how much I love her and how proud we are of her. I let her know how far along she is, how great she is doing, and I ask her if she is ready for another day. I then kiss my figer and place it on my belly. Sometimes she will kick me while I am praying or talking to her.... just her way of telling me she is still with me! Her nick name will always be "Sticky Bean" as she is our little miracle baby.
My husband and I are so thankful to see the light. So thankful to have our chance to have our little Sticky Bean!
Jacky
Two days ago we turned into our 28 week of pregnancy, which means we are in our third trimester! I can not explain how much of a relief it is after going through everything we have. Joslyn is kicking, moving, and all that good stuff every day.
I started to count her movements when I was 26 weeks, I can count to 10 in 11-15 mins on most days.. one day was 30 mins. But that is still good since they say you should get to 10 kicks within 2 hours!
I plan on letting Joslyn know about her siblings, when she is older.
After all she is not our only child. I want her to know that she has 2
special angels looking over her, as they did from the very beginning.
I have a box full of everything we got from our other 2 pregnancies
and I plan on sharing that with her one day.
I talk to her every morning while I am in the shower and we do our
prayer. I have said the same thing since I found out we were pregnant.
I ask God to bless her and kep her safe and healthy. I thank him for
each heart beat, each kick, and each day. I even thanked him each time I threw up in the first 14 weeks!
I tell Joslyn every moring how much I love her and how proud we are of her. I let her know how far along she is, how great she is doing, and I ask her if she is ready for another day. I then kiss my figer and place it on my belly. Sometimes she will kick me while I am praying or talking to her.... just her way of telling me she is still with me! Her nick name will always be "Sticky Bean" as she is our little miracle baby.
My husband and I are so thankful to see the light. So thankful to have our chance to have our little Sticky Bean!
Jacky
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
28 weeks pregnant!
August 1,2007......... we found a BFP!!!!
The call to my husband at work was crazy! He knew I was gong to be taking a test... but he thought I was going to take it the day after. All I could manage to say was "loop we are pregnant!" I was shaking so bad! He said are you sure..... I said well the 3rd test is almost done! All 3 said BFP!!!!!!!! He told me to calm down... yeah right! I was so excited.... nervous.... but so excited! We got another chance!
This made our 3rd pregnancy in 11 months. Then started the calls to the doc and the trips to the blood lab.
The funniest part about this whole thing.... Just 2 weeks before I took the preg test... we were sitting in my doc's office because my body really never got back to normal after our second miscarriage. So we were talking about ways to help it along. He told me that if I did not start my next cycle by August 2... that he would put me on meds to help it start... only after I took a preg test that came back neg. Little did we know I was 2 weeks preg during that visit!!!!!!!! He was almost as shocked as we were when we came to him and said........ "WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!"
This pregnancy is so different than the other 2. We have been right on track for everything. My progesterone was above what they wanted to see... which was a relief! I was 16.5 wen they wanted to see atleast 15. However they still put me on Prometrium... per my request as it would not hurt anything. I got blood tested more times than I can count for the first several weeks. When we went in for our 6 week visit..... Oh my gosh what a happy day! Her little heart beat was 120 bpm! All we saw was this little dot just beating so fast! And that sound................... oh how I love that sound! From that day one we named our little one "Sticky Bean." In the next 4 months... every visit we had at the doc we got an U/S.
Every U/S was perfect and wonderful! I can even say that at 10 weeks along... I felt my first "quickening" that was the morning of one of our visits. She was telling me she was okay. At week 18, we found out she was a she......and so we named her Joslyn Olivia. Her middle name means peace, which is what she has brought us.... peace.
Jacky
The call to my husband at work was crazy! He knew I was gong to be taking a test... but he thought I was going to take it the day after. All I could manage to say was "loop we are pregnant!" I was shaking so bad! He said are you sure..... I said well the 3rd test is almost done! All 3 said BFP!!!!!!!! He told me to calm down... yeah right! I was so excited.... nervous.... but so excited! We got another chance!
This made our 3rd pregnancy in 11 months. Then started the calls to the doc and the trips to the blood lab.
The funniest part about this whole thing.... Just 2 weeks before I took the preg test... we were sitting in my doc's office because my body really never got back to normal after our second miscarriage. So we were talking about ways to help it along. He told me that if I did not start my next cycle by August 2... that he would put me on meds to help it start... only after I took a preg test that came back neg. Little did we know I was 2 weeks preg during that visit!!!!!!!! He was almost as shocked as we were when we came to him and said........ "WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!"
This pregnancy is so different than the other 2. We have been right on track for everything. My progesterone was above what they wanted to see... which was a relief! I was 16.5 wen they wanted to see atleast 15. However they still put me on Prometrium... per my request as it would not hurt anything. I got blood tested more times than I can count for the first several weeks. When we went in for our 6 week visit..... Oh my gosh what a happy day! Her little heart beat was 120 bpm! All we saw was this little dot just beating so fast! And that sound................... oh how I love that sound! From that day one we named our little one "Sticky Bean." In the next 4 months... every visit we had at the doc we got an U/S.
Every U/S was perfect and wonderful! I can even say that at 10 weeks along... I felt my first "quickening" that was the morning of one of our visits. She was telling me she was okay. At week 18, we found out she was a she......and so we named her Joslyn Olivia. Her middle name means peace, which is what she has brought us.... peace.
Jacky
Monday, January 14, 2008
"Baby Heart" Our second loss
In February of 2007, I took a pregnancy test...... Once again THEY were positive! We were thrown right back into HURRAY mode. I called my doctor right away and they had me do blood tests. Sadly from the beginning my numbers were not right. My HCG was doubling like it should but my Progesterone levels were at 8 when they needed to be atleast at 15. I was put on Prometrium, a progesterone supplement. We were told it would be okay and that the med would raise my levels to where they should be. We went in for our 5 week and 5 day u/s.....We had a heart beat! We named him/her Baby Heart. To us that was the most important thing. However what we know now...... The heart beat was only 84 beats per minute. To us that was perfect..... maybe the heart had just started, and being 5 1/2 weeks along that was GREAT! But one week later, while I was at work, I began to bleed. I knew right away.I thought that this pregnancy would be perfect. I had baby dreams, I was so positive! I knew that Lima Bean would look over us and protect the little one inside of me. But it seemed God had other plans. When I began to bleed we went right on for an U/S. Baby Heart still had a heart beat, but it was only at 90 bpm. We were told that it was not looking good, but not to give up hope. The doctors were great, and told me to go on bed rest.
We went right home, I was so scared of the pain that I just knew was coming. I told my husband that I was so scared of the pain. I stayed on the couch for 2 days straight, with my feet up. Not once did I have severe pain, no contractions, only blood. So I was beginning to think that maybe this one would still be okay. This time was so different than the last one. I was still upbeat about it.
When we went back to the doctor, 2 days after I began to bleed, we either expected there to still be a heart beat or worse.... have to have another D&C. We walked into the same U/S room, with the same u/s tech as all the other times...... ( I have to say we were sick of her and that room.... nothing against them but man we just wanted good news from her and that dang room.)
To our complete surprise..... there was nothing left. Baby Heart was completely gone. The only thing that was left was a few clots. Nothing left. Once again I had an empty feeling.
What did we do? Why were we having to go through this? Another loss 5 months after our first one. Some people will say that "you tried again too soon" or "you want this so bad that it is not happening." We did everything right... again! What was wrong with my body that I could not keep a baby. My husband thought the same thing about himself. I felt like I was a failure to him. He does so much for me.... and all I wanted to do was give him a baby. The one thing that I could do for him... I failed twice. I was convinced to find something wrong with me, so we could fix it!
My doctor considered me a high risk case, even though we "only" miscarried twice and they normally consider you a high
risk case after 3. We did test after test.. all the tests that insurance would cover. Every single one came back normal. My husband and I then did our own research......via internet. I had a stack of "causes" to no avail.I then found this website called Baby Loss
and I found some amazing women in the forums.
Their stories helped me through our losses, the support I found on there was so amazing. I would tell my husband all the time about the women on there and it helped us heal.
I bought 2 books online called "About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope
" by Deborah L. Davis, Ph.D and "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby
" by Jessica Berger Gross. I found myself lost in these books for hours.We also made a memory garden in our back yard, on Mother's Day 2007. Lima Bean and Baby Heart each have their own stone with their name on it. It was and is a place we can go to and daze and remember.
It was a hard time to get past: the unknown, the losses, the pain, the broken dreams.
We still think about our lost angel babies... I think about them every day. I can speak about them and not cry every time. My husband and I do not bury their memories, we speak about them a lot. I talk to them both and I pray that they know how much they were and are loved.
You see we are parents... we have been since September 2006. We are parents of 2 angels in heaven.
Please do not feel like you have to wash away what you had. I hold our babies close to my heart, as does my husband. Never let go of them.... it will get easier. I used to base my good days and my bad days on a song I would listen to.. over and over again. If I cried then it was a "bad" day. If I managed to sing the whole song without a tear.... then it was a "good" day. My song is "I'm movin' on" by Rascal Flatts. I still, to this day, listen to that song and cry..... but I sing it to our babies, who sing it along with me.
Jacky
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Our first loss
When my husband and I got married, I was 24 and he was 26. We had been together for 4 1/2 years before we got married. We wanted to wait until we got married to start our family.
We had read that it takes some couples 1 year to conceive, so to our surprise after only 2 months of trying (3 months to the day after we got married) I was pregnant!!!! We were so excited that we began planning right away. I went on prenatal vitamins right away, drank tons of water every day, stopped picking up our fur-baby (even though he weighed 15 lbs at the time) not to mention a ton of other things! We even bought pregnancy books so we can read week by week updates! The size of our little baby, what it looked like each week, the major changes that was happening in any given week. We even nicknamed our first little one "Lima Bean" as that was the shape he/she was at one point. Yes we were proud from the first positive sign on the home preg test!
Everything seemed to be going very well. I was even able to get in to see my new OB when I was 5 weeks along. Then one day, 3 weeks later, I began to notice light brown spotting when I went to the bathroom. Then I noticed that I had went most of the day without running to the bathroom. I told my husband about it and he tried to reassure me that I was fine and so was our baby. That night I just layed on the couch hold my tummy, trying to protect our little one.
The next morning I called my doc. They told me to come in since I was only one week away from my U/S appointment and they would take a look. My husband and I rushed into the doc's office waiting... waiting... waiting. Finally they called me in. I think the woman doing the U/S was as surprised as us when we found our "Lima Bean" just laying there in my belly looking perfect as can be.... but without a heart beat. That is when our world came crashing down. My husband asked her "is that our baby?" but she did not respond right away. Finally she said "yes, but there is no heart beat. I am sorry."
I have never lost it the way I did in that room. All I could do was look at that picture of our poor baby, not moving but still looking so perfect. Another woman was called in to verify... We were suppose to be 8 weeks and 2 days, but "Lima Bean" was only 7 weeks and 2 days. We had what is called a "Missed Miscarriage."
I can remember everything from that day. From the stillness in that u/s room, to the office they put us in to "discuss our options", from the tears in my husbands eyes while trying not to let them fall so he could be strong for me.
We were sent home to see if my body would let go of our baby on its own. But 2 days of intense pain and bleeding...... it had not. I went through one night of severe contractions only to find out the next day that nothing had happened. We had no choice but to have a D&C. So three days after we found out we had lost our first baby, I had surgery to remove her/him.
No one can really say that they understand what we were going through unless they went through it themselves. People were supportive while we were going through the loss..... but after it was done........ people went on with their lives and thought we should too.
It is okay to be lost, it is okay to feel empty, it is okay to mourn. We had a baby from the first BFP. No one really understood that. My husband lost his first baby, had to watch me go through a mountainous amount of pain knowing he could not stop it. Everyone knew we were pregnant and now we had to tell them that we were no longer. "No longer" is hard to describe.
People can say "it was not a baby... it was not born." A baby is a baby from conception. Lima Bean did have a heart beat at one time.............. he/she was just not strong enough to hold on.
We decided that we would try again, as soon as possible. As we are the type of people that if we don't get it right the first time.......... we will try and try again!
That is just what we did and 4 months later, I was taking another pregnancy test.
Jacky
We had read that it takes some couples 1 year to conceive, so to our surprise after only 2 months of trying (3 months to the day after we got married) I was pregnant!!!! We were so excited that we began planning right away. I went on prenatal vitamins right away, drank tons of water every day, stopped picking up our fur-baby (even though he weighed 15 lbs at the time) not to mention a ton of other things! We even bought pregnancy books so we can read week by week updates! The size of our little baby, what it looked like each week, the major changes that was happening in any given week. We even nicknamed our first little one "Lima Bean" as that was the shape he/she was at one point. Yes we were proud from the first positive sign on the home preg test!
Everything seemed to be going very well. I was even able to get in to see my new OB when I was 5 weeks along. Then one day, 3 weeks later, I began to notice light brown spotting when I went to the bathroom. Then I noticed that I had went most of the day without running to the bathroom. I told my husband about it and he tried to reassure me that I was fine and so was our baby. That night I just layed on the couch hold my tummy, trying to protect our little one.
The next morning I called my doc. They told me to come in since I was only one week away from my U/S appointment and they would take a look. My husband and I rushed into the doc's office waiting... waiting... waiting. Finally they called me in. I think the woman doing the U/S was as surprised as us when we found our "Lima Bean" just laying there in my belly looking perfect as can be.... but without a heart beat. That is when our world came crashing down. My husband asked her "is that our baby?" but she did not respond right away. Finally she said "yes, but there is no heart beat. I am sorry."
I have never lost it the way I did in that room. All I could do was look at that picture of our poor baby, not moving but still looking so perfect. Another woman was called in to verify... We were suppose to be 8 weeks and 2 days, but "Lima Bean" was only 7 weeks and 2 days. We had what is called a "Missed Miscarriage."
I can remember everything from that day. From the stillness in that u/s room, to the office they put us in to "discuss our options", from the tears in my husbands eyes while trying not to let them fall so he could be strong for me.
We were sent home to see if my body would let go of our baby on its own. But 2 days of intense pain and bleeding...... it had not. I went through one night of severe contractions only to find out the next day that nothing had happened. We had no choice but to have a D&C. So three days after we found out we had lost our first baby, I had surgery to remove her/him.
No one can really say that they understand what we were going through unless they went through it themselves. People were supportive while we were going through the loss..... but after it was done........ people went on with their lives and thought we should too.
It is okay to be lost, it is okay to feel empty, it is okay to mourn. We had a baby from the first BFP. No one really understood that. My husband lost his first baby, had to watch me go through a mountainous amount of pain knowing he could not stop it. Everyone knew we were pregnant and now we had to tell them that we were no longer. "No longer" is hard to describe.
People can say "it was not a baby... it was not born." A baby is a baby from conception. Lima Bean did have a heart beat at one time.............. he/she was just not strong enough to hold on.
We decided that we would try again, as soon as possible. As we are the type of people that if we don't get it right the first time.......... we will try and try again!
That is just what we did and 4 months later, I was taking another pregnancy test.
Jacky
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Our Story
My husband and I got married in June of 2006, 3 months later we got a BFP (big fat positive home pregnancy test) one month later our baby had no heart beat. 4 months later we got another BFP and once again we found out one month later that we were losing our second baby. With 2 losses so close together, we tried so hard to find ways to cope with the pain and hurt. We were shocked to find almost NOTHING on the internet about miscarriages and how to deal. As little information that I found for me.... there was even less information to help my husband. I was able to find a few people and resources with similar stories to help us get to the healing stage. But it was hard! My hope with this blog is to share our story and to help one person/couple in knowing that they are not alone.
I am happy to say that we are now almost 7 months pregnant with a wonderful baby girl. I will blog about her, our pregnancy (past and recent), and continue after she is born. I found that talking to people who had a similar story to us and had a wonderful full filing outcome, let us know that there was a light at the end of the dark tunnel.
Jacky
I am happy to say that we are now almost 7 months pregnant with a wonderful baby girl. I will blog about her, our pregnancy (past and recent), and continue after she is born. I found that talking to people who had a similar story to us and had a wonderful full filing outcome, let us know that there was a light at the end of the dark tunnel.
Jacky
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