Sunday, January 13, 2008

Our first loss

When my husband and I got married, I was 24 and he was 26. We had been together for 4 1/2 years before we got married. We wanted to wait until we got married to start our family.
We had read that it takes some couples 1 year to conceive, so to our surprise after only 2 months of trying (3 months to the day after we got married) I was pregnant!!!! We were so excited that we began planning right away. I went on prenatal vitamins right away, drank tons of water every day, stopped picking up our fur-baby (even though he weighed 15 lbs at the time) not to mention a ton of other things! We even bought pregnancy books so we can read week by week updates! The size of our little baby, what it looked like each week, the major changes that was happening in any given week. We even nicknamed our first little one "Lima Bean" as that was the shape he/she was at one point. Yes we were proud from the first positive sign on the home preg test!

Everything seemed to be going very well. I was even able to get in to see my new OB when I was 5 weeks along. Then one day, 3 weeks later, I began to notice light brown spotting when I went to the bathroom. Then I noticed that I had went most of the day without running to the bathroom. I told my husband about it and he tried to reassure me that I was fine and so was our baby. That night I just layed on the couch hold my tummy, trying to protect our little one.
The next morning I called my doc. They told me to come in since I was only one week away from my U/S appointment and they would take a look. My husband and I rushed into the doc's office waiting... waiting... waiting. Finally they called me in. I think the woman doing the U/S was as surprised as us when we found our "Lima Bean" just laying there in my belly looking perfect as can be.... but without a heart beat. That is when our world came crashing down. My husband asked her "is that our baby?" but she did not respond right away. Finally she said "yes, but there is no heart beat. I am sorry."

I have never lost it the way I did in that room. All I could do was look at that picture of our poor baby, not moving but still looking so perfect. Another woman was called in to verify... We were suppose to be 8 weeks and 2 days, but "Lima Bean" was only 7 weeks and 2 days. We had what is called a "Missed Miscarriage."

I can remember everything from that day. From the stillness in that u/s room, to the office they put us in to "discuss our options", from the tears in my husbands eyes while trying not to let them fall so he could be strong for me.

We were sent home to see if my body would let go of our baby on its own. But 2 days of intense pain and bleeding...... it had not. I went through one night of severe contractions only to find out the next day that nothing had happened. We had no choice but to have a D&C. So three days after we found out we had lost our first baby, I had surgery to remove her/him.

No one can really say that they understand what we were going through unless they went through it themselves. People were supportive while we were going through the loss..... but after it was done........ people went on with their lives and thought we should too.

It is okay to be lost, it is okay to feel empty, it is okay to mourn. We had a baby from the first BFP. No one really understood that. My husband lost his first baby, had to watch me go through a mountainous amount of pain knowing he could not stop it. Everyone knew we were pregnant and now we had to tell them that we were no longer. "No longer" is hard to describe.
People can say "it was not a baby... it was not born." A baby is a baby from conception. Lima Bean did have a heart beat at one time.............. he/she was just not strong enough to hold on.
We decided that we would try again, as soon as possible. As we are the type of people that if we don't get it right the first time.......... we will try and try again!

That is just what we did and 4 months later, I was taking another pregnancy test.

Jacky

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